Ignore the fools of online poker. Leave online gambling to idiots: you are an online winner

Online gambling is a game for idiots. And idiots love online poker, as the chat boxes will demonstrate time and time again.

Here's a Bible quote which proves it:

Like the crackling of thorns under the pot, so is the laughter of fools. This too is meaningless.
Ecclesiastes 7:5-7

It's impossible to believe and harder to justify, but the laughter of fools is something you will encounter many times in online poker.

It’s not surprising that an anonymous medium, such as the Internet, grants an unwelcome brand of bravery to a certain type of person. Protected by their anonymity, immature online gambling types feel comfortable abusing online poker players.

This is hard enough to understand when the player has lost a pot to a bad beat, but even harder to fathom when they have won that pot! Some people are not happy enough to be counting your dollars, they also want to give you ‘the rubdown’ (to rub salt into your wounds).

Online gambling must be addictive to losers: this bizarre practise is all the proof you need.

We are all tempted to demonstrate our anger on occasions when bad online poker players (and there are many of them, thank the Lord!) get lucky. Many’s the time I have sworn at the screen, smashed my fist onto the mousemat, or ranted and raved around the Church of Texas Holdem’s vestry after suffering a bad beat.

Venting your wrath in this private manner is fine, as long as you are just letting off steam and don’t let it affect your play for the rest of the session. But resist the temptation to enter the chat box and ‘slag off’ your opponent. Why?

Everybody at the table will be aware that you’re angry and will adjust their play accordingly.

Here’s an example. JoeBlo hits a middle-pin straight on the river. His unlucky opponent, PeeWee3, who should know better, cannot resist a snipe.

PW3: nice catch numbnuts
JB: hahaha
PW3: **** you
JB: thanks for paying my mortgage
PW3: you live in a whorehouse fool
JB: yeah and I’m spending your money on hookers

Next hand, PW3 moves all-in. He is, in online poker parlance, ‘steaming’. This means, almost literally, his brain is burning from the bad beat and abuse he just took, and steam is coming out of his ears.

A player at the table (who would normally fold a hand such as 88 to an all-in raiser) will probably call PW3’s bet. You see what he has done by venting his anger at JB? He has given valuable information to JB and all the other online gamblers seated there.

Never give information for free. Always charge a high price for it.

Abuse is bad for the soul and worse for the bankroll.

It’s common to find some extremely nasty attitudes in the chat box on an online poker table. Racism, sexism, prejudice of all kinds.

Never get dragged into an argument on the table. Report any player who is abusive – most online poker rooms will ban either the player’s chat privilege, or even the player himself in extreme cases.

If you find yourself tempted to respond to chat abuse, remember the above quotation. The crackling of thorns under the pot. Don’t let the barbs of pointless online poker chat overheat you and make you lose your head.

Remember, it's par for the course: people who confuse online poker with online gambling, and treat their fellow players as roulette tables or slot machines, are the same players who will be paying YOUR mortgage. So relax.

Still getting hot under the dog collar? There's an easy solution. This too is meaningless. How meaningless? Simply switch off the chat facility and enjoy your online gambling as if the chat box does not exist.

Remember that you are a member of the Church of Texas Holdem. The poker gods look after their own. Those chat sinners will get their dues.

Anything which distracts you and prevents you from playing your best poker is to be avoided. This applies to chat, as well as all other aspects of online poker. But don’t be afraid to observe the effects of chat on others, as PW3 in the above example.

A player who’s been sent on tilt by abusive chat will not be at his best: use that knowledge to your advantage.

Online poker doesn’t allow ‘reading tells’ the way you can do it in a real-world poker room environment. Any additional information you can glean on your opponents is worth its weight in chips.